Eating

He was eating pig. He knew this because he had been told by a man in a hat. The pig had no reason to bear him a grudge yet he felt that it did. He moved the pig to one side of the blue plate and tried to reconcile himself to the remaining peas. If he could hold onto the peas he felt then something would be ok. His fork moved each pea carefully to the part of the plate with the pattern of flowers. Of course they were blue because the plate was blue but John knew that did not matter and he began to smile at the chance of success. He remembered his grandma and a tree that he could climb because he was tall and the tree was old and had branches that bent towards you in a sort of helpful way. It was nice to be helped by a tree he used to think.

Potato was the gentlest thing on his plate John decided and this made him want to cry. But he couldn’t cry because then they would know that he was back there again and they didn’t like it and so he didn’t cry but took his fork and started to eat his potato ever so slowly so it would look like the potato was nothing to him and this made him feel safe.

The window was showing him the garden again today. She made him smile when she was so clearly leading him to think about things that he knew were arranged in different shapes in his head. So the face of his grandma was a triangle and could fit easily on his plate where he could look without Amy knowing and without losing the three points of his grandma’s love; that she knew he was a very clever boy; that he was taller than his friends; that he made her laugh when she needed to because the world was cruel.

The world was cruel he repeated to himself and began to tap out the message on the plate, next to the potato but just South of the peas. Down Mexico way he joked in his head but not outside his head as they wouldn’t like that and would take him somewhere. So he tapped just a little bit, just a little bit and then looking around at the table and the people who were eating near him he stopped and asked for a glass of water. He drank the water as it made him live longer and more richly and because he could see the triangle smiling back up at him and that was better than anything.

The window was showing him a new face and John pulled all his face together as tight as he could so he could really really think about the place he could put the small squares because he didn’t want to move the pig. That would be too cruel for words.

Now Amy was here and was asking if he wanted to go for a walk. But he knew that if he went for a walk he would not be able to save those who were depending upon him and were safe in a very cruel world (he felt that you see) for joy.

That was it! FOR JOY!!!  He tapped extra loud on his plate and the peas just jumped up and celebrated with him. Even his grandma was happy. She was smiling at him and Amy would have to wait. Amy would have to let him have this moment of triumph.